Yesterday at work CS IMed me and after some time I asked him if I get to see him tonight he says "if you want to" and I replied no it's more like if you want to and he replies "I always want to and that worries me a little" and I asked why and he says because "I don't want to hurt you". Ok how does this make sense - he wants to see me (more than he'd like) so that's going to hurt me. So I'm a nervous wreck all day thinking that he's going to come over and tell me that he can't see me anymore because "he doesn't want to hurt me". He gets here and he seems kind of weird. He looked sad or worried so I asked him. He said that he's kind of sad because his friend NK thinks that he's going to end up hurting me and so I asked why does she think that and he said because she knows how I am. Things got quiet and I figured here it comes - he's going to freak out on me. I decided to drop it for now.

So we start touching and stuff and I ask him if he brought the condoms and he said yes so we went to my room and started getting into it. When I put the condom on he started going down and then once he started to get it in - it went down - so he never made it in at all. He said that he was nervous - so I said then we'll just not do it. So we just snuggled and he started playing with me and then I started playing with him and then he got hard again and asked if he could just put it in. So he did and we did until the very end. Man he has a big dick!

So afterwards we went outside to have a cigarette and I asked him what does NK know about him that makes her think he'll hurt me. He says that he feels that there is something he needs to do first before he gets involved with anyone but he doesn't know what it is. He wants to date to see what kind of women are out there. He says he always says he's going to stay single but always ends up getting involved with someone and doesn't want to do that this time. He says he's afraid he'll do to me what his girlfriend just did to him. That he'll get involved now and then might change his mind later. So to me it sounds like he already has his mind made up about me and I don't stand a fair chance. But I told him that I don't have a problem waiting for him to decide. I told him to go out there and date and have sex, whatever, get it out of his system. So he thinks I'm weird for saying that but I told him I think he's worth it. Of course he says that if I meet someone that I like and isn't all fucked up like him that I should go for it and that he'd understand. Well of course he does that way he doesn't have to hurt me. If only that someone would come around...

He did say that everytime we hang out he likes me more and more but that he hasn't gotten that feeling of perfection yet and thinks it will be a long time before he does. But it won't come if he keeps pushing it away. I told him that I think he listens to his head more than his heart and he agreed. I said I never saw someone try to fight off their feelings as much as he. So how is it that I always seem to find and be attracted to these basket case guys.

I asked him if we could still have sex and he said of course. So for now it will just be a sexual thing on his side. Oh and then he tells me as he's caressing me that he loves touching me and likes that I soak it up. But I like touching him too.

So who knows where it will go from here - I just pray for once that I don't get the shitty road (but somehow I feel like I'm already on it) so now I just have to find my way off of this onto the nice one. I think I'll have to go through a lot of unchartered paths first and that will be the scary part.

I just need to BREATHE!!

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