Guess what I got for Christmas? You can't see it and only I can feel it. Give up? A Broken Heart :( Thanks Santa it's just what I always never wanted. I must've done something pretty special this year. Ok enough of the holiday cheer.

I've been crying since around 1:30am. Finally fell asleep around 3am. Went to work and cried some more. Came home and cried some more.

So I'm back to leave my trail of tears once again.

I've been trying to write him a letter but I can't think straight. No matter how hard one tries to prepare for heartache it still hurts just the same. I don't know what to say because I still have questions and ideas shift in my head.

Maybe by the time I see him next week I'll have a better idea of what I'd like to say. I hope he lets me have my say. I was pretty much speechless when he was telling me what was on his mind. I knew it was coming but it still hit hard. He probably thinks I'm heartless because I seemed so calm. No I'm just a good actress.

So I shall take him on his last flight with Melancholy Air.

I hate the wisdom of life. What good does it do me? I know that I could make him happy. And I had so much to teach him about love and life. I wanted to make his life magical.

The sad thing is that I will always carry this knowledge around. I know that love like this is rare. I saw the potential of our love. I don't get to experience that awesome closeness that you develop with someone your in love with over time. It's probably a good thing because we would have been so completely happy that we would have just exploded.

See he doesn't have the curse of knowing. He'll just crush whatever love he had left for me and eventually forget me altogether never knowing that he let slip away an important experience. But he'll probably have a lot of great loves and I'll be lame compared to them. "The curse is come upon me" she cried.

And I'm not saying that I'm all that. I just know from experience that we had some good chemistry. We were compatible in a deep way. We were symbiotic. Again I'm speaking of the future knowledge. I know we were still shy and awkward around each other and look how much we accomplished with that handicap. I saw the day when we both didn't feel shy or reserved. I saw the day that we let loose and laughed ourselves to death. Someone else will get to have that experience with him. But I'm the one that deserves it. I deserve him.

Yea someday I'll be forced to seek companionship but I will have to settle for something less. I don't get my dream man. "But look here - you get what's behind door #2. You get 1,000 sad days and 999 lonely nights all in the beautiful world of Melancholy Palace. Where you get to eat dinner alone while watching other couples in love enjoy themselves. Walk the historical streets alone amongst couples holding hands. Go dancing where all the beautiful people are coupled up and the only ones that want anything to do with you are mullet head hillbillies. You get all this and much more just for playing the 'Game of Love'"