not a good day
I am so angry right now that I need to vent. Since this is my venting place here I am. I was planning on going to sleep but now I'm so mad that I can't. I'm hoping that getting it out will help.

It's a little after midnight. I'm in bed getting ready to sleep when I think I hear the ex's car but stupidly think to myself "nah, he wouldn't come by now". Wrong. I hear this voice asking me if we can talk for a minute.

So my psychotic, fucked up, piece of shit, making me crazy ex comes in the bedroom sits on the floor and the first thing he asks me is "who is Joe Smith? his name was on your caller id". I tell him I don't know who Joe Smith is, because I don't but I know who called me from that number. He of course had found the same number on a piece of paper, so asked why I have it written down and a cell number. So I tell him who it is and so he asks me if I'm interested in this guy. I say no. He wants to know where I met him, etc. I tell him that he's just a friend and that I wouldn't cheat on M.B. He rolls his eyes at me. So I tell him that I never cheated on him so why am I going to cheat on M.B. So come to find out he's just disgusted that my loyalties are to M.B. and not to him. So he then tells me that he listens to my messages on my machine in case they are for him. Hello he hasn't lived here in 7 months, why would he get any calls here.

I swear to God I'm going to slip over the edge. Please if there is any justice in this world, please let some girl do to him what he's doing to me. See how he likes it.

Why the fuck must he go through my shit every fucking day? I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and have no idea where I'm going to fall or how I'm going to land. Chaos has come to the dance.

I am so tired of this shit.

When he was here Monday he was bitching about the fact that I won't have sex with him and he says to me that if he wanted to he could take me right now. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him that I would kill him if he tried anything like that. He actually looked surprised and hurt and then asked why? I couldn't believe it. I thought maybe I heard him wrong so put the word (rape) on the table and said, "because if you tried to rape me, then yes I would kill. I don't have to put up with that shit." So he says that he'd never do that he was just saying that if he WERE that kind of guy then he could. Then he had the nerve to say that I wouldn't hurt him and that I would probably like it. What kind of fucked up sense is that? I told him I was dead serious and that he better not try it. So a part of me is a little concerned because if he can talk about it so casually AND he thinks I'd enjoy it and he is so warped right now. What if it becomes a punishment thing. Ok now I'm just scaring myself.

I took all the letters he wrote me and put them away in case I need them later. I was afraid that he'd take them and then I'd have no proof of his psychotic tendencies. So he was mad because he thought I threw them away. I just told him that I put them away. He'll probably be searching the house for them tomorrow.

And then there is my love, M.B. He doesn't have any time for me so I feel neglected. So I feel that much more alone. See how my luck is! Did I lie? God does not want to see me happy and I have no idea what I've done to make this so.

Somebody please help me. Somebody please carry my tired body. Somebody please heal this hole in my soul.

2001-10-24 || 12:42 a.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future