fighting the demons

I haven�t written in a while. I�ve been feeling despondent. Still do. Don�t know how to stop it.

I went to see M.B. on the 5th of October. I was so anxious and nervous to see him. I was feeling really insecure about us. I just felt like I wanted this more than he did. I�m the one that is always pouring out my heart and I was lucky to get a brief e-mail from him. So I told myself that if I didn�t feel any love from him when I went to visit that I would have to let him go. Thank God I felt loved. As soon as I was in his arms all my insecurities melted away. He was more aggressive and affectionate. He was exactly what I needed.

He confided in me about something really horrible that happened to him. I now carry this anger for a faceless creature. How could anyone want to harm my tender innocent Baby? I want to protect him ferociously and feel so helpless. I�m so glad he told me though it made me love him all the more as well as feel closer to him.

Making love with him was awesome. To feel him inside me again was heavenly. It was so wonderful to feel his lips on mine, to inhale his breath, to hold his hand, to hold him, to wake up next to him, to get all tangled up with him, to look into those gorgeous eyes, to laugh with him, to see him smile, well everything was wonderful. And I swear on Buki�s life that he is the sexiest, most gorgeous man on earth.

It was so hard driving away from him. How do you drive away from the one person that makes you feel alive and complete? The one person that gives you a purpose in life? It�s not easy.

So when I get back I�m sad but still have the residual warmth of being around him. Then things start going downhill. The residue wears off and I�m just left with this overwhelming sadness. Then K.P�s boyfriend A.B. starts telling me that I should forget about M.B. because nothing will come of it except me getting my heart broken. That I need to start seeing his friend W.S but then he proceeds to maul me that evening. Then my ex J.B. comes over and pretty much tries to threaten me back into his life. He also has the need to tell me how M.B. doesn�t really love me and that I�m just confusing him and trying to make me feel bad for doing so. And that when M.B. leaves me he�ll be waiting for me. I had to listen to this shit for hours. Things got scary.

All I have to say is FUCK THEM. You can threaten me. You can try to scare me. You can make me feel insecure. But you can�t make me stop loving him or being with him. Only he can do that. If he�s going to end up hurting me so be it. I have faith in him. And I shouldn�t even say that because it seems I�m always made to eat my words. I do know that we have something special and magical and I will continue to do my part until I�m told otherwise. I�m willing to pay my dues to prove my worth of him. So they can beat me down all they like but they will never touch my love for M.B. Even if my life is taken my love cannot.

2001-10-14 || 5:52 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

Favorite Reads
all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future