I'm going to New York with J.G. tomorrow. I'm excited. I've never been there before. He's from the Bronx so that's where we'll be staying but he's taking me to Manhattan so that I can experience that. We won't have much time so don't know how much I'll get to see. Plus I'll be pretty tired from driving all night.

I haven't heard from my perfectly beautiful man today and don't know if I will. That makes me a little sad. Never knowing if or when I'll hear from him.

Had a weird day. When I got home the ex was here waiting for me. I asked him what was up and he said I don't know you tell me. He then asks me whose boxers I have. I tell them they are M.B.'s. He wants to know why I have them. I tell him because I wanted them so I could wear them while he's gone. He asks me if I'm in love with M.B. I tell him that I am. At first he's upset but then he says that he understands because he was here for me. But then he says that he's not giving up on me ever. He says he's determined to marry me someday. Every time I said that I love M.B. I'd smile and he'd get mad but I couldn't help it. I wasn't smiling to be callus. I just couldn't help it. The thought of loving him makes me smile. After a long discussion he left.

Joe came over and had me laughing so hard and I didn't cry. I almost did but held it back. He was trying to reassure me because even though for the most part I'm so connected to M.B. when it comes to his feelings I'm completely blocked out. And with the distance and the fact that M.B. either takes it for granted that I know exactly how he feels or he's damn good at putting up a shield, it makes it really hard to know what he's feeling. So I get scared. But I'm working on it.

I should go to bed because I need all the sleep I can get before I go tomorrow. Pray for my safe return home.