falling in love and falling apart

So a lot has happened but I don't know that I'll remember everything.

Let's see...M.B. and I went to dinner in Cuyahoga Falls. He looked so fucking good. He was in a suit and drove me wild. It was funny on the way there he stalled the car so I tried to get out and push the car but I wasn't strong enough to get it up the hill. So he pushed and I got it started. We ate and then walked around like old lovers. It felt really romantic. We even wished in the fountain. At one time we held hands and made a wish together. I wonder what he wished for?

We came back to the house and watched a couple dragon ball z episodes and then we went to the bedroom. We started kissing andI tried to go down on him but he stopped me and I was just about to give up completely on him. He then says he doesn't even know what I feel like. So I take his hand and guide him around down there. All the while I'm fondling him. So he gets me off with his hand and I get him off. It felt so good. I wish that we would have just made love but I can't have it all. So later that evening he tells me that he's not scared anymore (about sex) but we still haven't done anything more so I think he reverted back.

So the other night - Monday. We're sitting here and I get this weird feeling like J.B. is here. So I look out the window and sure enough his car is idling out front but I don't see him and he doesn't come to the door. I'm sure he was peering at us through the windows. So he finally leaves and we're all creeped out. We go outside and look in the windows to see how much you can see. When we get back in the house I ask him what he wants to happen to us. He says that he knows that he wants me in his life but that he hasn't been thinking about it. So I say "you do know that I'm in love with you, right?" He says he knows. I tell him that I didn't want to say anything because he once said that he'd feel weird. He said that he just means it's a lot of responsibility. He started to cry and I held him and then we kissed and then I started crying. I gave him his box and contents, both of us crying all the while. I had been crying on and off all day but hid it from him because I didn't know how he'd feel if I started crying, like uncomfortable or something. But when he started crying it made it much easier for me to cry. So when he left I gave him a hug, a kiss, held his face in my hands,looked him in the eyes and told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me too. But I don't think it's in the same way that I do.

So I write him a letter that night and leave it for him at work the next day. I don't hear from him at all yesterday and then around 12:30am he knocks on my door, looking a little forlorn. He stays until 3am. Before he even gets here I have this weird apprehensive feeling. When he was here I get the feeling that he had sex or fooled around with someone that evening. So after he leaves I e-mail him and ask him. This morning I read his response which is that he didn't but that he talked to this guy that has been courting him on the phone and I tuned into their conversation (so I'm assuming they had phone sex). He wants to know how I got that feeling and I can't tell him. So I don't know how involved he is with this guy, emotionally that is. So I'm more confused than ever. He says that he's writing me back regarding my letter so I hope he does that soon so I don't have to sit here and speculate on his feelings.

He says he's coming over tonight after he eats dinner. He also said that he'll stay the night Thursday but we'll see. I am so sad right now. Today was his last day at work. So as I'm leaving my eyes are watering up like they are now. I'll still get to see him before he goes but it was still sad. It will be sad tomorrow when I open my locker and all his things are gone.

I'm also being stalked by my ex. He won't leave me alone. He's either here, at my work, calling or on-line with me. It's getting pretty creepy. I'm screwed after M.B. leaves because now he'll want to come over all the time.

I'm going to miss M.B. so much. If I knew that he wanted to give us a shot it would probably help ease the pain a little but only a very little. But my fear is (and my fears always seem to materialize) that he'll fall in love with someone there and forget all about me. I'll be here unable to get him out of my heart or head and he'll go on. And once again I'll be cheated out of love, actually more like FUCKED OVER IN A SERIOUS WAY by love.

I feel even more positive in saying that God hates me. I heal from one heart break and instantly have to do it all over again. And I didn't even get a chance to let this love bloom. I find this remarkable guy, and this remarkable love and it's just taken away without being able to explore it completely. I'm pretty angry right now and extremely hurt. And oh so scared.

2001-08-29 || 4:55 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future