I haven't written in a while. I've been spending almost every night with M.B. His mood still wavers back and forth. Sometimes he's more affectionate with me, sometimes bold, sometimes enigmatic, sometimes distant. So I have no idea how he feels about me.

He supposed to come over tonight but I haven't heard from him so don't know if he still is.

He's taking me to dinner tomorrow night and he said that he'll stay the night.

He's leaving in a week so I'm starting to get sad.

The other night he said something I liked hearing. We were both drinking out of the same cup and he said that if two people share a glass then their destinies will be linked. I thought that was cool. So does that mean that our destinies are now linked?

Yesterday the absentee boyfriend asked if he could move back in. I said no because I'm not letting him back in that easy. If at all. I don't know how I feel about him anymore. All I know is that I'm not ready to live with him again. I told him that I'm not in love with him. He's talking about marriage but I can't go there either.

Tonight he accused me of falling in love with M.B. He didn't get mad and said he understood. But I denied it because what good would it do to hurt him further. I haven't even told M.B. how I really feel about him. I don't want to overwhelm him or scare him even more. But I'm sure he already knows. I just doubt he wants to hear it.

My best friend J.G. is in town. He came over last night and took me grocery shopping since I have been butt broke for the last 2 weeks. He told me to pretend I was on the game show "supermarket spree" and to go town. He kept piling stuff in my cart. He said that this is a way of showing me his appreciation. That was about the nicest thing anyone has done for me. I love him so much. We laughed the whole time we were shopping. We talked about how cool it would be if me, J.G. and M.B. all lived together, how much fun we would have. Because we all have the same sense of humor and we're all laid back. We all love Dragon Ball too.

I sometimes wonder if M.B. only comes over to watch Dragon Ball and puts up with my company in the meantime. But we sometimes don't even watch DB.

When I go to visit him we are going to go to this Japanese Restaurant. I can't wait.

I asked him to wear a shirt to bed and not wash it and then leave it with me so that I can wear it to bed and he said that he would. Yeah! Unfortunately his scent will fade. First I'll have to lose him physically and his scent will soon follow. I knew that my heart would be broken but I will proudly endure it.

I always believe that everything happens for a reason but I'm still unsure what the reason is for falling in love with M.B. I should hope it is not to further callus my heart due to heartache. It's supposed to be something positive. But I can't put my finger on this one yet. If I knew that someday we would end up together then I'd have my answer but at this point I have no idea what we could be. If we don't end up together then what was the purpose of this love?

Well I'm going to sign off for now.

2001-08-24 || 10:15 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

Favorite Reads
all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future