So one of my wishes came true...but I'll talk about that later.

Where did I leave off? M.B. came by Wednesday night. I had been crying all evening so looked like hell. Why can't I cry and then when I'm done go back to looking normal? No, my eyes have to get red and swollen for days. So when he gets here I'm already so sad that I can't find my way back up. Then he tears up and I feel bad because I should pretend to be not so sad for his sake. He doesn't need the added stress of my sadness. Anyway during the evening I told him that I need to make love to him and he said he knew that. He then said that he was staying the night (Thursday). So I asked if he was saying that I could and he said yes and I smiled from the inside out.

So let's speed to Thursday. He was supposed to be at my house around 5pm. So in his time I'm thinking 6pm or 7pm. Around 6pm my friend J.G. calls to see if I want to go to dinner. I say sure but that I'm waiting for M.B. He says he'll call me right before they leave. So I'm waiting and around 7pm J.G. calls back and says they're leaving and that he'll call from the restaurant. In the meantime I call M.B. to see where he is and he had just gotten home, so I told him that we're supposed to meet J.G. and his mom for dinner so hurry. So I'm waiting and waiting and around 7:45pm I get a call from J.G. asking if M.B. is here yet and I say no and he tells me that it looks bad and that he doesn't think he'll be showing up. I'm telling him that yes he will show up. Then this other voice gets on the phone and says hi. I ask him who he is and he says it's M.B. He didn't know that he was supposed to come get me. So I finally get there and we eat. So my luck of course is looking pretty sketchy at this point. I must note that he looked so so so sexy. It nearly brought tears to my eyes. So J.G. comes back to the house with us and we sit around talk and drink sake until around 1am. I'm getting nervous because I don't know if he still wants to have sex. I ask him if he�ll take a shower with me and he says yes. We shower and then go to the bedroom and smoke our last bowl. I rub his feet, he rubs my back and also my breasts, which felt really good. We start kissing and my hand nervously makes its way towards his nether region. His hand is caressing me and I�m becoming crazed. I ask him if I can take him in my mouth and he hesitantly says yes. So I�m nervous because I�ve always believed that a man can give another man the best blowjobs because they know what it feels like and what feels the best so I�m afraid that I won�t do anything for him. But I do what I can and I�m loving the way it feels on my tongue and in my mouth. So I can�t take it any longer and want to feel him inside me. So I ask him if he wants me on top and to my surprise he says he wants to be on top. So he slides it in and oh my God IT FELT SO GOOD! I'm addicted. My whole body was literally trembling. It�s the perfect size for me and perfectly hits my g-spot. So we orgasm and I�m lying there in the afterglow and he tells me that was the best blowjob he�s ever received. I�m so grateful. I tell him that wasn�t even my best work because I was really nervous which he was surprised to hear (that I was nervous). Of course I was nervous. I�m finally getting to make love to the man I love and want it to be perfect for him. I asked him if he liked it enough to want to do it again and he said yes. So we did it again in the morning and it felt just as good, at least for me it did.

So one of my wishes came true but bitter sweetly. I finally made love to him but now he�s leaving. So I get a taste of what could be and must give it up. This pain is altogether different from any I�ve had to deal with before. Usually when I�m heart broken I at least had a few years with that person before one or the other decides to part ways. With M.B. I discover this wonderful love but don�t get to explore it to its fullest. So my heart is sad in so many ways. I know this was one of the reasons that he didn�t want to have sex with me because he once said that he was leaving and didn�t want to hurt me. But to me it was worth it. I would do it all over again even knowing how hurt I would end up.

I still don�t know how he feels about it. Does he want to let it go or give it a try? I asked him if he�s still writing me back and he said he was. I really hope he does. And even if he says that he doesn�t want to try, that he just doesn�t feel as strongly as I, at least then I will know and we�ll go our separate ways, for me begrudgingly of course. But let's hope it doesn't come to that. It's too sad to think about.

God continues to laugh at my expense.