Went to Red Lobster with my friend C.T. We laughed so hard. We started discussing masturbation. About masturbating in front of your lover and how it can be hard to get off because you feel so spotlighted and how your hand gets tired so you switch hands but the rhythm is all off so you have to switch back to the other hand. How it cramps up and is hard to control. But you keep going because you've already worked this hard, you want some closure. It was one of those you had to be there moments.

So I've been thinking about M.B. a lot. I know that he doesn't feel the same as I do but I wonder what he is feeling. Why is it that out of all the guys in the world, he's the one I want? The most impossible situation there is. He's gay and leaving soon. Well he could be bi but I feel that he has a much stronger connection to men. So I'm just allowing my heart to get broken again. When will I ever learn? Of course I'll never confess any of this to him. Much too scary for him to handle. He'll feel guilty or bad for not being able to reciprocate. So I confess it here. I wish I could tell him things. I don't want him to think that I'm using him in any way. I have geniune feelings for him and would never do that. I have always been attracted to him. The minute I saw him I thought he was beautiful but I knew he was gay. I was still with J.B. and not into cheating. After J.B. left me M.B. and I started hanging out more so it just gave room for my feelings to grow. I asked God to send me someone to help heal my heart but I didn't specify enough. I didn't mean take one heart ache and exchange it for another. He really has helped me get through it but I'm staring at heart break in the distance. The melancholy has already set in. When will I finally be happy and safe?