Well CS has managed to make me feel shitty again...Something had happened which prompted me to ask if I was available or not. I said I feel like he is pushing me to go with other guys and he said no that's not what he wants. He says he just doesn't want a girlfriend right now. That when he was with his ex he only made sure that she was ok and not himself and now he needs to work on himself. Ok that's fine. He says he's not hanging out with any other girl and that he's happy with the way things are with us right now. Of course he is. He has it made. So then he says the only thing that makes him not want to get serious with me is our age difference - I'm 10 years older than him. So I guess there is no chance with him since I can do nothing to change that. I've never had this problem before as I've been in serious relationships with a few guys that were 10 or more years younger. I think it's rather shallow of him. So after he said that I just walked away and he said that he should probably go as it was 1am. So I gave him a quick kiss - I didn't put my arms around him like I usually do. I kept my hands behind my back. I just wanted to get away from him so I didn't even say my usual "drive careful" and all that. I just turned around and went inside. I think he either meant to say something or he was reaching out but I shut the door on him. I felt bad but fuck that. I think I'm going to mention something tonight.

So after this class is over in 6 weeks I may kick him out of my life.

The thing that sucks is that I do have a good time with him. He wants to take me up north where his entire family is having a poker tournament. And on 4th of July he wants to take me to Santa Barbara to watch the fireworks from his friend's boat. He wants to write this bartending program together. So we have all these plans but I don't know if I can handle it.

School is hard for me. It's been too long out of the loop but he has helped alot with that.

So I feel overwhelmed with everything. School, death of a friend, a fucked up relationship, finding a place to live and working.

I want to scream or punch something.

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