So I finally have a computer (laptop) and just found out about web diaries so I thought I'd check it out. I'm not sure what to write now.

In April my live-in boyfriend of 3 years decided that he's not ready to settle down. For now we haven't technically broken up. He just doesn't live here anymore. He still pays for the rent because there is no way I can afford it on my own and I can't get a roommate because there is still a chance he'll come home someday. He still calls me everyday to say hi and that he's either thinking about me, missing me or loves me and he calls before he goes to bed. We aren't dating other people. I think he's just crazy.

At first I was devastated and hardly left the house except to go to work. I hated coming home to an empty house. He usually stops by to pick up his mail so there are always traces of his being here when I get home. Which is like living with a ghost. I never see him because he gets off work around 2pm and I don't get off until 4pm. The only day I see him is Mondays. We both have Mondays off so spend the day together. Sometimes he drops by during the week to say hi but rarely.

So now it's going on 3 months and I'm getting used to it. I don't cry everyday anymore. The most difficult part for me has been the lack of affection. I'm used to getting a hug, a kiss, a touch 31 days out of the month and then suddenly I'm cut to 4 days a month. Not to mention the sex. I'm the type of woman that likes sex. If I'm in a relationship I always want it but if I'm single I won't just sleep with anyone. I don't do one night stands.

So I've been flirting with disaster. I have this male friend that is gay but he's confessed to me that he wants to have sex with a woman at least once in his life. He's a very attractive guy. Intelligent, good looking, funny, sensitive so I can't help but be attracted to him. He claims to be attracted to me but I don't know that I believe him. I would think I'm too feminine for him. I would think his tastes border on the tomboyish girl. I'm very unconventional and very much a woman except for my small breasts but he has told me that he thinks they're great but I feel that's because it's more boyish.

So we hang out and always have a good time. We laugh constantly. He came over last night and left at 7:30 this morning and we laughed all night long. Last weekend we went to a local club and I wanted to kiss him that night but I'm pretty shy so didn't. But last night I kissed him as he was saying goodbye. It was very awkward but I still enjoyed it. He's much taller than me and our rhythms were off. I'm a slower sensual kisser and he's a bit faster. And I felt rushed because he had to go to church. So I hope I get another chance because I would like to explore kissing him more in-depth. I probably scared him off though. He's pretty shy. But we only kissed for less than a minute. I'm sure he didn't enjoy the kiss because it was so awkward. All I can do is see what happens.

2001-07-01 || 6:59 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future