i fucked things up
Well I think I blew is with CS. I am so stupid sometimes. Why do I have to be so emotional?

Things have been going pretty good. He's been super affectionate and fun. More comfortable. It seemed things were going in the right direction.

But on Saturday I got into a fight with my mom which ended in the notion that I would be living out of my car in 2 weeks. I cried the whole way home and then all afternoon. My mind was reeling trying to think of a solution. So since I didn't know where I'd be or anything...I left a message in my journal to CS and then sent him the address...

Big mistake. He calls and is pretty serious (no playfulness to his tone) he asks if he can come over to do homework. So he comes over and we immediately start homework. He hadn't touched me or anything. So he's struggling with his homework and you can tell he's frustrated but I'm sure it was with me moreso than the homework. Eventually he asks if I want to walk to the store with him so I say sure. On the way there he brings up my journal. I tell him that I don't want to talk about it. When I sent it I said that I don't want to talk about it or acknowledge it in anyway. I just wanted him to know just because. So when he brought it up I reminded him of this. He doesn't understand this. He says that if I sent it then I must want to talk about it. So I don't know if he wants to talk about it and now I feel bad for not letting him. I assumed he wouldn't want to discuss it. So he barely touched me at all last night. I asked if everything was ok and he said yes. I asked again before he left and he said I just freaked him out a little bit. So I've totally fucked it up. You could tell he didn't want to be around me. So now I'm make to not having anybody just because I couldn't keep my feelings to myself. I noticed that he looked as if he'd been crying or hadn't slept at all. His eyes were swollen and red.

So I guess I must go on alone once again. He'll probably drop out of school now just so he won't have to see me. Too bad I can't go back in time.

2004-07-12 || 8:33 a.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future