I'm having a really bad day today. I woke up with a dark ass cloud over my head that I can't outrun. I am a person alone. Love - The one thing that has meant the most to me my entire life is constantly eluding me. People that aren't even nice people are in love. Wicked ass people have someone that loves them and makes them feel special. But oh no not I. I guess I have some sort of defect and can only attract Heartache. Which has lead me to dark thoughts today. I have an overwhelming desire to die. Not so much to take my own life although it has peeked it's head around the corner.

I don't know if I'm going to see CS tonight and if I do I better snap out of this mood. Even though part of my strife is caused by him. He has me in such a bubble of confusion that I'm dizzy and sick. At least he IMed me today when he got off work. I didn't have to IM him first. He didn't ask to come over so I assume he's staying home or hanging out with someone else.

Man I miss giving him head. I so badly want to put him in my mouth. So I'm horny and melancholy. I'm in an emotional dichotomy.

SS wants to come over this weekend for a fling but I don't want to so I think I'll just avoid him. I'm not that desperate. Thank God for masturbation. I usually try and do that before bed but I'm so sad that it doesn't even feel good so I didn't even try last night. I didn't want to disappointment myself.

Well I'm off of here for now. I think I'll smoke a bowl maybe that will take that razor edge off.

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