Well I heard from CS. He asked if he could come by tonight and of course I said yes. Maybe I should say no sometime but I can't bring myself to. So I suppose he is just using me for the sex although we haven't had sex yet but we do other things that feel just as good. I wish there was a way for me to turn my feelings off but of course the harder you try the less likely it is to happen. I have no problem letting my feelings flourish but if he's going to dump me after he starts dating other women then I have to try harder to stifle them. I don't know how he feels still. Does he feel more or less for me since we last talked. I don't want to bring it up cuz then he'll think I'm pressuring him. I'd rather he brought it up but who knows if he will. If he ever does I'm just going to tell him that I can't stand stifling my feelings - if I get hurt then I get hurt but stop forcing me to feel differently. And I don't know if it's really ok for me to date other guys. He said he wanted me to when we first talked about it but if I do then he may think I'm not all that interested. I'd rather wait for him to start then I can react to his dating by dating myself. I don't want to be the first one to start the ball rolling. Who knows maybe he's already dating. A part of me doesn't want to know when he starts. I'd rather just be left in the dark until he decides who he wants to end up with. But man that is hard. Well I think I've rambled on for long enough...I don't think I'll ever be able to solve the problem...

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