i'm tired of crying
I had the best and worst week. And of course it pretty much revolves around DS.

He has been staying with us since he's leaving soon, to spend time with John. So Mon. and Tues. nothing really, just hanging out. On Wed. though something was put in his water. I get home and we start drinking and playing cards - the usual. John and Heather went to bed. I went to have a cig and DS was already out there. I sat down next to him and he put his hand on my back and started giving me a massage. It felt really good. He thanked me for being so nice to him. He said that's a rare thing these days. Well to me it's the easiest thing in the world to be nice to him. We went in the house and sat on the couch together (a first). I don't know who started what but we started holding hands and just sort of caressing each other here and there. I put my legs across his and he started rubbing them and of course his hand started gently rubbing my panties and so forth until his fingers were inside me. He got all passionate about it (a side I've never seen) until I came. We went out for a cig and talked a bunch - he says to me that we are on the same wavelength. And that we have lived the same life just diffently. But of course we can not be together because he is moving and all these little excuses that he says he tells himself So he says he just makes himself not care and I said to him that I'd rather be him than be me so that I wouldn't care or have pain and then he says to me - what if it's all a front - So we get back inside and we are on the couch again. His hand starts wandering again and this time he takes my hand and puts it on his dick thank god because I was too afraid to - figured he'd push it away. Whoo hoo!! So I'm fondling around down there trying to get the zipper down and he has this belt on. So he whips off the belt and I get the zipper down and he pulls it out. Ok this guy has a magnificent dick. It's really wide and a nice size. Bigger than average. So anyways...I give him a blow job. He has both my tits in his hands and he's squeezing them and he starts to cum and a whole bunch comes out and I swallow. He says "DAMN!!" and tells me that is the first time in 10 mos. that anyone has brought him to orgasm. Wow. So I feel good about that. We have another cig. and go to bed - he in one room me in another:(

The next day I take him to his house to get showered and dressed for court so he can ask for another date in jail. We stop and have lunch and then go to court. Everything goes smoothly and we get home. He is acting all giddy all day. I don't know if he noticed but I sure did and I know John did but I'm sure has no idea why. So we don't do anything that night.

Friday is game night with the girls. So they come over and Blake comes over. But DS is kind of being a jerk to me the whole night so I think he is mad but then at the same time we are playing poker and our legs are touching and he's not pulling it away so of course that turned me on. So I'm all confused. When everyone leaves I ask DS if I've done something to piss him off and he says no that I actually did the opposite. That I made him glad. I asked how and he said by not parading him around to my friends. Duh of course I wouldn't do that to him. So he hugged me and said thanks. So Blake ends up staying the night and I'm frustrated so I ask DS if I can sleep with him in his room. He says yes. So I sneak in to the room he's in. We snuggle and talk a little and then fall asleep. In the morning his hand starts wandering again and he starts rubbing me and I start rubbing him. Again I go down on him and he starts gently rubbing my face. Like tracing it with his fingertips and the backside of his fingers. He came and then hugged me and told me he's getting up. He always gets weird.

So we hung out and we were outside and they were playing hackey sack. DS starts giggling and he can't stop and John says - someone has the giggles today - and is inquiring as to what's up with him. With him who knows!! But I hope it was giving him a blow job to start his day.

But he went home a couple hours ago and now I'm sad because I don't know when I'll see him again. He's talking about leaving this Friday. He goes into jail Tues. night and gets out Thurs. Then he would leave the next day. I'm starting to get upset. I'm so serious. That boy keeps me laughing constantly. Good laughs too - the kind where you nearly piss your pants.

I feel so ripped off. I find a guy that turns me on forwards and backwards, upside down and sideways. But he is not meant for me. Why was it necessary to rub it in my face I don't know? When will this cruel joke shit stop? I do not want to be in that dark spot again but I'm heading right for it. I do not see happiness in my life for a very long time.

Well I'm going to go smoke a cig. and hopefully not cry again.

2004-01-24 || 6:42 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future