I had an interesting New Year's Eve.

We had a little party at our house and had a lot of fun. One couple got in an argument and that sucked but the rest of the evening was good.

DS was there and he was nice to me. At one point I was walking down the hall and John was walking the opposite direction and DS was behind him. So me and John are standing face to face mad doggin eachother and he tries to head butt me in the stomach but I push his head aside and then DS blocks my way so I take him on. I'm trying to push him out of the way and he's pushing back. I turn around to push with my back and he leans on my back and starts giving me dead weight but I'm holding him up and then he reaches around and grabs my leg and picks me up and swings me around. That is the first time he has done anything like that.

So I'm getting pretty drunk and everyone else is way beyond me. DS and I go out for a smoke and he just starts talking to me about personal stuff which was really cool. He explained why he can't get involved with me or even just have sex. He's moving and he doesn't want any emotional ties. He doesn't want to sleep with me because of how I feel about him and he doesn't want to hurt me. He said we wouldn't be compatable anyways. He has no self worth and doesn't think he's good for anything and he's just waiting to die basically. I felt so bad for him. He is so sweet but thinks he is so evil. He said that the letter I wrote him meant a lot to him and made him feel better about himself and that no one has ever said things like that to him. He thanked me and said that it touched him and that he meant to write me back and says that before he moves that he will write a heartfelt letter to me. But we'll see. So he hopes to find a girl in San Fran :( but I will always carry him in my heart. I understand why he wants to move but I'm still sad about it.

So anyways we talked for a long time and then went inside to play Texas Hold Em. Everyone else was asleep by then. So the whole time we're playing I could swear that he is just staring at me and he never, never does that. That threw me and he kept offering me Rum. So I was getting really dizzy but not nauseous thank god. I lost.

His brother was sleeping on the couch and his girlfriend was sleeping on the recliner and he was bummed cuz he didn't have a place to sleep or even a blanket since his brother took the one I left for him. So I suggested he sleep in my room not thinking he would actually do it but do it he did.

So it's like 4:30am and I have a hell of a time changing into some boxers. It's hard getting undressed with a buzz on. By the way I've never been drunk in my life - I've had a small buzz before - but I drank a lot for me and I was tripping out on how it feels. So the clothes thing was rough. I get into bed and he's already in and he stripped to his boxers which he didn't do last time. So I could actually feel his skin. So he snuggles up next to me and drapes his leg across me and his arms are across me as well. We talk for awhile and we're touching eachothers arms and legs and he has the softest skin I've ever felt on a man. He tells me that girls say he has the softest lips too. That's right go ahead and tease me. So before I go to sleep I ask him if I can kiss him and he says no. So I fall asleep and I'm awoken by his hand rubbing my body like he did the first time he slept in my bed but this time he took it further. His hand went to my chest and he started pinching my nipples and then his hand would go down my boxers and he'd run his hand across my nether region. Then he do it again and I think we fell back asleep but then he did it again and somehow he twisted his body and my hand fell right on his cock and I was just lying really still cuz I didn't want him to freak out but he didn't so I left it there and I could feel that it was hard so I started playing with it and he didn't object. So then I went down on him and then back to playing and back down for a few times. Finally I just couldn't take it and took off my boxers. He was laying on his side facing me so I just turned around and put it in. So we ended up having sex but I think it freaked him out. We went back to sleep and then my mom called cuz I was supposed to be at her house by then. So he got up and went home and he seemed weirded out.

I was still buzzed when I woke up and had a hell of a time walking to the car and I'm thinking shit I shouldn't be driving but I did and I'm here and safe.

But anyways my life takes its usual turn and I'll be heartbroken once again. :(

Oh yea. This producer from Fox wants me to be on this new reality show for "divorced" singles. It would be a bachelor and 8 women. I told him I'm not into competing for some guy but he said that the bachelor is to approach all the women himself so the women won't have to be all throwing themselves at the guy. But I don't know if I'll do it. I have a bunch of paperwork to do and I'm sure I have to go meet with people at Fox. So we'll see.