So I think I'm crazy...but what's new. Remember MB, well I can't seem to get him out of my mind. It's like I'm now mourning for him. When I was in Ohio I had things to keep my mind occupied. Of course I still thought about him but it didn't hurt as much. Now that I'm here in Cali and my life is settled - I don't have money worries finally (at least for now). I just have time to think and my thoughts always drift to him. It's funny but I don't even think of JB or miss him. But I miss MB like crazy. I miss talking to him and laughing with him and listening to music with him and getting high with him and holding hands with him, etc...

So I've come to the conclusion that I will eternally love him and that's ok. Every girl needs a love like that. I want him to come visit. The last time I heard from him he sounded really down and I know that if he spent a week with me he'd be much better. Let him recharge but I doubt if his boyfriend will let him. I'll even buy his ticket. I'll try and talk to him about it again.

Ok other parts of my life - my brother is home!!! I went and got him and he's been under my strict supervision. I took 4 days off work to be with him. He's doing better. He's looking into rehab centers. It's so good to have him home. I told my parents that they are not allowed to discuss anything controversial with him. If they have anything to say they have to go through me and I'll tell him. My mom of course has slipped by me but I gave her shit about it. It has been a rough time but I'm fine with it. I feel like it's my duty as a sister. I prayed every night for Cindy to watch over him and to bring him home alive. I even said that if he were messed up physically or mentally that I'd forfeit my life to take care of him. That I'd give up men and everything. So of course I haven't been interested in a man since I've gotten here. But the day I brought my brother home this guy called me and has called me everyday since.

I don't know what I want from this guy. My heart isn't really in it but he's a nice guy and good looking. He makes me laugh but with MB on my mind and being compared to MB, it makes it tough on him. Everyone tells me that he has it bad for me. But I've been putting him off to spend time with my brother. I'm going out with him tonight though since I haven't seen him since Monday.

I just want to meet a guy that looks like MB and acts like him...LOL...like that will happen. So I'm confused and crazy right now!!!

There is this woman I work with - she's a nurse and she's a lesbian. I went to her place and we got high. She's really cool. I like her. She has a girlfriend but sometimes she seems like she has a crush on me. It's cute. I'd probably have sex with her if the opportunity presented itself. I'm such a slut!!!

Well I better get off here and do some work...

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