hello my new enigma
Well I'm in a new predicament (sp?). Ok there's this guy. Isn't that how they all begin? His name is Steve. I dated him briefly at the age of 16. He intimidated the hell out of me. He was the guy all the girls wanted and a large number of gays as well but he was extremely homophobic, plus he had a twisted gay stalker wreaking havoc on his life for years. Long story.

So I was this virgin girl and he was this experienced adonis, so we didn't last long. He then met his next girlfriend and they married 7 years later, they were then married for 10 years. His wife and I became really good friends while they were dating. I later went on to live with them in Hawaii for a year.

So I go about my life and move to Ohio after I marry. 10 years later I'm divorced and living back in California. I haven't seen them in 7 years and lose track of them.

After I'm back for about a month, I finally look in the phone book to see if they are listed. Through some detective work, I find the cryptic phone number. I call and leave a message. I decide to try and find her parent's phone number and I call there and no answer. So I give up and later that day the phone rings and I answer it. The person on the other side doesn't respond at first and I get ready to hang up. Then I hear this woman's voice asking who this is in a familiar Ecuadorean accent. It's Monica's mom. My number came up on her caller id and she didn't recognize it so wanted to find out who I was. So she tells me that Monica is living with her and that Steve and her are in the process of divorce. I'm shocked because I thought they'd be together forever. So I go to see her and she's really changed. She's really hard looking and she is bi-polar so she's really hyper. She gives me Steve's number and tells me to get in touch with him.

In the mix of this is Tim. My dearest most loved friend that I lost track of. He lived with Steve and Monica but now just Steve. So at this point I'm only interested in finding Tim. Tim and I finally talk and I go over to visit him. After hanging out with Tim for a few hours, Steve comes home and we hug and talk. We get high, play video games and watch a movie. It's the first time that we've actually just hung out, the two of us. Usually Monica was around so I didn't really have to talk to him much. So I didn't know how things would go with us. We ended up having a really good time. So at midnight I head out.

Then Steve and I talk on another day and I go and hang out with him and Tim. Well Tim leaves to go to a party and it's just the two of us. We played Vice City all night and laughed a lot. By the end of the night we are both in the middle of the couch, huddled together, just one side of our bodies touching kind of thing. Nothing overtly obvious. I start feeling like if I don't leave something would happen. So I tell him I have to go. He tells me that he had such a good time hanging out with me like he was surprised at this notion.

I leave there really confused. For so long I have only looked on Steve as an untouchable friend. There was always the curiousity there for me about him only because I never "had" him but very surpressed.

So we talk a couple days later and he says that he's just going to be straight up with me - that he had a super good time the other night and that we have so much in common. He tells me that he is seeing this girl but they don't have very much in common. He says that he would much rather spend time with me. He says he'll call me when he can.

So I go over there last night and Tim goes to a concert. We get high, play video games until 3am. The whole time we keep getting closer and closer together until we're touching. He eventually puts his arm behind me, we're both sitting forward at this time. So it's not around me but his hand is on the other side of me. He then rests his chin on my shoulder. We get more and more cuddly. Then he rubs my back (boy I really needed that) and he's really good at it. So I'm getting all turned on and then he starts rubbing my neck and stomach, so he's got me pulled back with my back to his stomach. He starts rubbing my chest and he tries to reach between my legs but his arms won't reach. So then he takes my glasses off and turns towards me and starts kissing me. We are just starting to get really into it and Tim comes home. Well Tim is not to know this because of the whole Monica thing. It just wouldn't look good. This isn't something we've even discussed - it's just known. So we have to stop. I compose myself as well as he. We talk to Tim for awhile. He's drunk and hilarious. He eventually goes to bed. Eventually we hold hands and then he kisses me again. Then all of a sudden he says, I better stop before we go too far. Ok isn't that supposed to be my line as the woman!!! Which I was going to waive those rights. He says he really wants to but...so I'm a little confused and say "but what". he says, but until he get things straight in his head he can't.

So now I feel all rejected. What the heck went wrong? So who knows if I'll ever hear from him again. What is so repulsive about me? But I don't want things to be weird between us. I think we just need to do it once and get it out of the way, that way we won't wonder anymore and can go on with our same lives, being friends. And if it works out then it works out. But I would hate to not even give a little shot. He's a Pisces like my forever love M.B. Why do Pisces make me so crazy? I'm always wondering with those boys. They are not very good about spilling their guts. Me the Aries is the complete opposite. I'll tell you where you stand with me. You have to draw it out of a Pisces. But I won't try and draw anything out of him. I'll let him do his thing. It's just a shame.

2003-01-26 || 5:39 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future