the new boyfriend

I wish I were speaking of myself but of course that could never be.

Anyway, A.R. informed me today that M.B. has a boyfriend. Ask me how I feel about it when I'm in better spirits. For now I'm just really hurt that I had to hear it from someone else. He can't respect me enough to keep in touch and fill me in on things. I guess that tells me where I stand in the scope of things. I'm not mad and I don't hate him, I'm just hurt. Does he think I can't handle it? What I can't handle is being treated as a stranger.

Well on to the lighter side of my life. On Sunday I was online and guess who IMs me again. He asked where I've been, that he's looked for me every night and I'm never on. We're just on at different times. So he begged me to come over and I refused. Why? I don't know. The guy is gorgeous (he's a model) but not vain. Hilarious. Adorable. Passionate. So instead he gave me another show. This time I got close ups of the cum shot.

He wants to have sex again but he's afraid that he'll like it emotionally and doesn't know what to do about that. He knows we have a connection but knows he has to leave soon too. But hey I'm getting used to that - people I'm attached to moving away, what's one more. But he's never had to deal with it and doesn't want to hurt. Yet he can't stop himself from calling me out.

Oh get this. J.G. my best friend. He emailed me and said that he's dying to eat me out. That he wanted to the last time he was here but chickened out. He doesn't want anything in return. So now I'm nervous to see him. He called and said he's coming in 2 weeks. He's coming straight here and said he's taking me out for valentine's day and then going to see his wife and kids. Then he's coming back 2 weeks later with some Navy friends and wants to hang out but his wife won't know this. Where is this coming from? He knows how I feel and that I'm not interested like that. I don't want to be sexual with him in anyway. So this can't be good for our friendship.

Hey I sold my first bag today. I even received a thank you card from him. That was so sweet. Now that's the kind of client you want. I'm not even doing this for the money because I'm not making any. I'm doing it on principle. It should be legal and it makes people really happy to be receiving it. But it's only temporary. A part of me wishes I could keep doing it but it's too risky. Unfortunately "too risky" entices me so I just have to be strong.

Watched the movie Ghost World tonight. I really liked it. I was/am so much like Enid. I was just like that. Right down to the clothes. Except I was really in the 80s so little aspects are different. But she wore retro/vintage from the 80s. Our attitudes were similar. I'm curious to see how that character would grow up. I loved that one song "Jaan Pehechaan Ho". I'm going to try and download it if I can find it.

I've always had this thing for Indian music. Their are some soundtracks that I wanted but can't remember the names and good luck trying to figure that out with the millions of soundtrack albums they have. But I got the name of this song and the name of the movie it's from, so I'm ahead of the game this time.

Actually I have a thing for international music in general. I never have any idea what anyone is saying but I love it. I have this one album of ancient egyptian songs. It's pretty different. Of course I have Japanese albums. A couple of Spanish. Some Scottish. Renaissance music. Used to have French. Want Indian, Tibetan Chants, some chinese opera, I can't think of what else right now but you get the picture. And of course I love most music in general (except top 40 britney spears and nsync or any girl or boy band). Thank god for the bands that really have talent and can actually play their own music.

Well enough of my ravings. I think I'll go to bed now.

2002-02-06 || 11:58 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future