I suck
Went to a local little club tonight with some friends and the ex showed up. Of course he ended up making a scene and leaving. Upsetting everyone in his wake.

When I got home he was here. He apologized for being such an ass. He says he's frustrated and just exploded. I hate talking about myself in a glowing manner but I'm just reiterating what he said. He says I'm like a god. That I can create things in people. He says I created something wonderful in him and instead of tending to it he mowed right over it a few times and now it just sits there all brown and dead. He says that his life began when he met me. That everyone else that came before me was forgotten. He says when he looks at me he sees angels peering from my eyes waving hello. He says that no one will ever love him the way I did or make him feel the way I make him feel. He said that by losing me he has lost his one chance at true happiness. That he got scared because he's never known anything like it before and didn't know how to handle it, so destroyed it instead. And he says he now knows that all the while I was there for him and trying to help him but he rejected it because he didn't think I knew what I was talking about and now he sees that everything I said was true. He wanted to sleep beside me tonight but I'm not comfortable with that at all. He said he just wants to hear me breathe in my sleep. To feel my warmth. He was literally sobbing when he left and I felt like shit.

So I felt like a real jerk because I can't give him what he wants which is me. And now if he hurts himself I'm going to feel so guilty. I could've let him sleep on the couch or something but he wouldn't want that. He wanted to sleep beside me.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Plus I think I upset M.B. I wrote some things I shouldn't have but I don't want to have to hide the way I feel. My fears. I was also under the influence. But I haven't heard from him and when I was online today he got on and then right back off. Not even a chance to say hello. So I don't know if I should apologize or just let it go and hope he forgives me on his own eventually. Why do I always manage to mess things up?

2001-11-04 || 4:31 a.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future