Too Busy Being Blue

I haven't really done anything exciting this week. Just sitting around in disbelief.

So what's new...

I talked to J.G. for many hours last night. He has changed the dynamics of our relationship a bit but it's something that can be worked through. He confessed to me that he has been in love with me for over a year and a half. He remembers the exact day that he realized this. He says he's been carrying it around all this time. He said that I am the perfect woman. That he would feel so happy and content with me. He has this problem of being a cheater. I told him that he'd probably cheat on me and he said he thought long and hard about it and knows that he would never have to cheat if he were with me but he also says that he doesn't want me for the sex, that he wouldn't even try to have sex with me, he loves my companionship. He says I'd have to get my sex elsewhere but he wants to come home to me everynight. He loves me so much that he wants me to be with M.B. He says that he knows that I've met my perfect man and he makes me happy and that's all he wants for me and he's never felt that way about anyone. He says this is the first time that he has loved someone this deeply or probably the first time that he's been in love. He has never felt this way about his wife. He doesn't hate M.B. or anything. He really likes him. He just wants me to have the happiness he says I deserve. But he wants me to know that I'm the one he wants and that if things don't work out with M.B. and I, that he wants a chance.

That was very brave of him. He said a lot more but I don't want to fill this up with compliments about myself.

I told him that even if I wasn't with M.B. that I don't know if I'd want a "relationship" in that what we have now is so special I don't want to risk it. I told him that I want him in my life always and not just for the next few years until he gets tired of me or one of us fucks it up and we never speak again. He totally agrees because he knows that he'd do something to fuck things up. He says that what M.B. and I have is special too. He says he can see it when we are together and he really wants things to work between us.

I've heard here and there from M.B. I miss him so much. I just want to feel his arms around me. I just want to inhale him.

At work I was telling C.P. what they've been putting M.B. through or are doing to him and her first remark was "he's coming back soon isn't he?" I laughed and said no, he seems to be doing just fine. The other girls are exclaming that they wouldn't go through that shit. Then we all said we missed him.

C.P. apologized to me because she took M.B.'s name off the schedule and replaced it with the new guys. I told her not to tell me these things.

She gave me the new schedule I requested. Yay! It'll probably kill me but that's ok. Tues-Fri 9am-7pm. But I'll have 3 days off and still get 40 hours. M.Z. is going to be pissed because she asked for the same schedule and C.P. said no. She also mentioned that now when I visit M.B. I don't have to take any days off. L.G. is really bummed about it. She kept making me feel guilty all day. She acts like I'm leaving altogether. She wanted to know how many Saturdays she has left.

C.T. is going to come over and join me in my smokefest. She asked me what I was doing tonight and I told her that I'm just gonna sit around and get high. She asked if she could join me. After we get good and high we are heading to Walmart. I think she needs to grocery shop because she asked me if I will push the cart. I miss doing that with M.B.

I miss doing everything with M.B.

The ex is still pursuing me with insanity. Today he left me some cum soaked boxers and a letter. C.P. wants me to cut all ties with him because he exhibits dangerous traits. I have to believe that he's not that far gone. He has backed off a little though so that's good.

K.P.'s boyfriend A.B. is still trying to get me to sleep with him but uses K.P. to convey this. She said that he started a letter to me the other day. She says that he has been practicing on her, making her pretend she's me. J.G. was laughing so hard about that. He says, "what does he do make her put on a wig and wear certain clothes." The whole thing is unreal.

J.G. says he wants the rights to my life so that he can write a book.

Mr. H. came in yesterday when I had on my silver mercury pants. He was very complimentary. He apologized for being so forward. I've never seen him like that. He was born and raised in NYC so we discussed that for awhile. He was really happy that I loved his city.

Well I should go before I get booted off and lose everything I've written.

2001-09-15 || 4:47 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

Favorite Reads
all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future