Mind fucks and Heart Aches

Today I�m feeling defeated. I feel forgotten. I feel like I�m suffering alone. I feel alone.

I�m listening to the new Dave Matthews Band cd. I borrowed it to see if it�s worth buying. It is. Of course most of the songs make me cry. The flavor is love, separation and waiting. But of course.

I colored my hair back to normal today and now I feel ordinary. I feel like I should look more professional if I�m going to be looking for a second job and another place to live but I don�t like it.

Mr. H. (my older gentleman friend) came in yesterday and I told him what was going on in my life. So today he calls me and asks if he can come by on my lunch break to talk to me about a job. So he tells me he�ll meet me outside. So I go outside, sit on the bench and light my cigarette. I�m scanning the parking lot for him and all of a sudden I see this black Jaguar heading my way. I must say it looked very out of place amongst all the ordinary cars. He pulls up and asks if I want to sit in the car or on the bench. I told him that I�ve never been in a Jag before so prefer the car. So he pulls into a slot and gives me this name of a lady that I�m supposed to send my resume to. Geez I haven�t written a resume in years.

I was telling my friend C.T. about it and she tells me that they do drug testing before they hire. So I�m screwed right there. Unless I can find something to take to mask the THC. I don�t know what to do. Even if I stop now it will still be in my system for a month or so. See how my luck is.

Anyway, Mr. H. says that he�d take me to lunch but had a golf outing. He says that the next time we go to lunch he�ll let me drive the Jag. How cool of him. That was my one happy moment today.

He also brought a piece of King Tut�s tomb and a piece of the Pyramid for me to touch. That was cool. I was telling someone about that and they brought up the �curse�. I don�t think it applies to someone that just touches it. I think it had more to do with the opening up of the tomb. So now with my overly superstitious nature I�m a little worried because the last thing I need is to be further cursed.

How come so many of our customers have the same name as M.B.? His first name that is. All day that name was thrown around and every time it hit me.

The new guy starts tomorrow and I�m actually resentful of it. I feel like every one is trying to replace M.B. but he can�t be replaced. I know I�m unfairly alienating him but that�s my prerogative. The worst of it will be that they both have similar statures and I know that is going to fuck with my mind. I�ll see him (I don�t even know his name, I haven�t bothered to ask) peripherally and my mind will put M.B. there because that�s what it�s used to seeing. My mind hasn�t had time to catch up with reality yet.

Another example of my mind fucking with me. Sometimes I hear his car. I know it�s not his car but there are a couple of cars that sound like his and when they pull in, for a second I think it�s him but then I remember he�s gone. That�s a very unpleasant feeling and I hope that mind fuck ends soon.

I miss laughing. I must point out that I love laughing almost as much as making love. He made me laugh so hard and so often that I really feel that void. The really messed up thing is that when I do laugh, I instantly want to cry and the pathetic thing is sometimes I do cry. What�s up with that? I�ve never had that happen before. I think it�s because before he came along I hadn�t laughed deeply in a long time and because he made me laugh so often - I equate laughing with him. A conditioned response. The week before he left is when it first happened. He made me laugh about something and half way through the laugh I suddenly realized what I�d be missing and my eyes teared up. It happened a few times with him. So now when I laugh it makes me miss him all the more. Laughter has become the most bittersweet thing in my life.

Why must I have such a sentimental soul?

This song by Everything but the Girl keeps going through my mind, �Rollercoaster�. The line ��I�m not really in your head�� is how I feel presently. That whole album hits way too close to home. You could pick any song off that album and that�s me and my life right now. As much as I would like to listen to that album right now because normally I love it but I�m not so stupid that I don�t know my limitations. I know sometimes it seems that I am that stupid but sometimes I even surprise myself.

Ok I�ve got to stop with all this optimism before I actually cheer somebody up. I think I have self-pity down and now will fine tune it into an art.

2001-09-05 || 11:00pm


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future