It�s 2am and he just left. That was the hardest good-bye I�ve ever had to go through. I haven�t stopped crying since he left and don�t see an end anytime soon. I have his shirt and boxers on and all I can smell is him. I can�t even see what I�m typing through my tear blurred eyes so forgive my typos.

We went to dinner at his mom�s and I had a good time. I really like his mom. She�s cool. Dinner was delicious and her house is so awesome. It is so my dream house. It was hard watching him say good-bye to his mom. I felt so bad for them. And I knew that I would have to say good-bye next and I couldn�t be that strong. She said that she was surprised that I was holding it together as well as I was. I�m just good at hiding my sadness when I need to. She should see me now. I�m no longer holding it together.

I can�t believe that he�s gone. The love of my life is gone. One of the last things he said was that he�d be back and he smiled. Earlier I had asked him if he wants me to just get over him and he immediately said no before I could even finish. That made me feel better because until that moment I really didn�t know what he wanted. He�s still supposed to send me the letter he started. I hope I get that soon. I need something to ease this pain if only for a short time. He said that he�d call when he got to Toronto.

I feel so bad for him too. I know he�s hurting as well and he�s in a new place and I�m sure feeling homesick. I know that will pass and I know he�ll do fine but right now he�s hurting and I can�t do anything to help. I just want to hold him in my arms and make him feel safe.

I want us to work so bad. I don�t think I�ve wanted anything so bad in my life so of course that scares me because things don�t usually go my way. I asked him not to forget about me. He said he could never forget me and I pray that he doesn�t. I also pray that he doesn�t fall out of love with me. I hope it�s a �distance makes the heart grow fonder� and not the �out of sight � out of mind� kind of deal. Please God if I can only have one thing in my life go right let this be it.

He gave me a book to read that I will try to read tomorrow if I can even see. He wrote a little note in it that made me cry but since I was already crying it was hard to distinguish between the two.

Oh yea, I finally got to shave him. His face that is. I liked it. It felt right if that makes any sense. Everything with him feels right.

Before he left I asked him to kiss me, so we kissed briefly and then I walked him out to his car. We stood there holding each other, crying and not wanting to let go. I couldn�t tell him I loved him enough. He kept saying it too. I told him that I�d wait for him. And I will. Eventually he got in his car and started pulling out of the driveway and all I wanted to do was get in that car with him. He stopped and rolled down the window and said something but I couldn�t hear him so I went to the car and I think he said that he�d call me tomorrow but I�m not sure since I was so grief stricken. I kissed him one last time and told him that he should have brought his car so we could push it like old times. Told him that I loved him and watched him drive away. Came in the house, started sobbing, put on his clothes and began writing.

It's now 5:54am and he should be on the road by now. I'm still crying and still scared. I have so many hopes and fears right now. Please let me for once have my hopes and dispel my fears.

I'll see you tomorrow.

2001-09-03 || 3:21 a.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

Favorite Reads
all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future