Unexpected words

He wrote back Wednesday night. I read it in the morning. I don't think I scared him off. He was trying to explain how he has only had to deal with desiring men. That sleeping with a woman is a foreign idea but that he is thinking about it and it seems more possible. :)

He says that he has never been the object of affection and that no one has ever called him hot. I still find that hard to believe. But if he says so.

He says he's worried about our orgasms. Will he be able to? Will he be able to make me? He also wanted to know what happens after.

My favorite lines in the whole letter are "It's weird, I'll get all uncomfortable when I'm at your place when we get aroused, and then I'll run home to "safety" even though then I can't stop thinking about you. Or seeing you everywhere, where you're not." I don't know if he really meant to say it the way it sounds. To me when I say that, then I have feelings for them. I don't want to come right out and ask though. He knows how I feel. I'm probably annoying the fuck out of him with all my declarations. But I can't help myself.

So he comes by work when I get off and we come back to my house. He stays for about 20min. We make plans for later and he goes to work. I stay home and write a reply to his letter and instead of sending it I just let him read it once he gets here.

I tried to explain again in a little more detail how I feel and why I feel compelled to make love to him. So I go on to explain that for now we aren't even going to have sex. I tell him that I want to get him used to being naked first. Let him get to know my body a little. I told him we would just explore each other with our hands. I want him to feel completely comfortable around me. I also told him if it is all just too stressful that we could just stop right now and go back to just touching and kissing. He hasn't really said if he's comfortable with that but he didn't show any signs that he was uncomfortable with it either.

So then he wrote me back while I was sitting next to him. It was cool. He said that his mom told him that we would end up sleeping together. That she wants him to sleep with a woman. He said he told her that I have a boyfriend and I'm not attracted to him. He expressed that he wished he had some third party to talk to about it. He says he doesn't want to talk to his mom, a priest or a certain friend. Another friend is away that he could talk to. I feel bad for him. Hopefully he'll find someone he can trust and that won't confuse him further. He says that he won't be gone forever. So that's good. But it will sure feel like forever. I won't change but he will for sure. He says he'll write more later but I don't think he will.

I should respond to the letter he wrote last night but don't know what I want to say, only bits and pieces.

He stayed until 3:30am so I've only had 3 hours sleep. I went to work this morning but got off at 2pm. M.B. goes in at 4pm but I didn't think that I'd see him since he's usually late. I want to take a nap but then I won't be tired tonight. But anyways we giggled a lot last night. We were snuggly. Of course I had to bury my face in his neck to inhale him.

He is so damn cute. We were talking about coloring his hair blue and then I imagined him with blue hair and it turned me on. I told him that he cannot do that because I will go over the edge. So he says to me that he's going to rent a tux (cuz he looks most excellent in one) for a night, with his blue hair and pretty much tease me. I told him that if he does that he is definitely going to sleep with me. But I love how he teases me.

I work with him until 2pm tomorrow. Yay! But then he goes on his road trip. Boo! But he comes back Saturday night. Yay! And then we go to a co-worker's get together. Boo! But then we come back here. Double Yay! Unless something goes wrong like things are prone to do in my life. So I shouldn't get too happy about it.

Well I'm going to sign off for now and take a nap.

2001-07-26 || 3:19 p.m.


Who Is kokoro13?

A woman just trying to find lasting love with a real man
loves: kissing, reading, video games, falling in love.

hates: working, animal abuse, ignorance, mind games

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all content � kokoro13, 2003.

the past - the future